The Divine Comedy that is my life...I sometimes wonder if I serve a greater purpose than the cliché average Joe. Numerous incidents happening in a row lead me to believe that whoever's running the show upstairs has taken a strange interest with me. I mean I’m hardly a religious person. I really don’t understand much of it especially if people are being killed and prejudiced over it. I’m not saying I don’t believe in God( you think this place is keepin it together with out some help?) I’m saying that maybe there’s more than one way to believe in him. I think of it in a few simple ideas. Like with people’s differences, you don’t have to understand them just accept them. I may not understand why they do things but as long they don’t hurt anyone I can accept it. And you know like you have a conscience to tell you right from wrong use it. But anyway I think that whoever is running the show likes me.
Like mostly it's the spastic psychic glitches where I just know stuff. But lately it’s been more. This week mostly . Like I made the resolve to let go of my Angel that there’s no use trying to breath life into a relationship gone this awry. Then the Russian appears and serves as somewhat of a distraction. Then yesterday I decided to sit down and write (something I haven’t done in ages) but nothing would come to me(I have to be emotionally stirred to write) and I kind of got frustrated on with myself. I haven’t written in months and I seriously began to wonder if because I had forsaken my talent in just being a conformist and saying “sure mom and dad I won’t be a writer.”
So today I found out that one of my classes got dropped because not enough people signed up and had to go to guidance. So while trying to figure out what to do My Counselor Mrs. Nelson asked me what I wanted to do with myself and I know I stiffened up quite a bit. I told her I didn’t know once I did but not anymore. With that I got angry and sad and hurt and tears started to fall from my eyes. She asked me to explain. I told her that my parents weren’t very supportive and that I wanted to be a write once but I’d given up on that. She then told me that I should follow my heart because obviously writing meant a lot to me and that I wouldn’t cry unless it did. So with that she told me how she had wanted to be a doctor once and someone had told her no and she listened. And that it had worked out okay but she sometimes wonders what it would be like if she had become a doctor. I stared at my schedule for a while and laughed bitterly as I told her that my parents didn’t approve of most of the classes I was taking. She nodded I guess not really knowing how to respond to that and then said that I had passion.
I looked at her kinda scared or at least that’s how I felt. I don’t get compliments very often and when I do they bother me or more on target scare me. I don’t think there’s anything special about me. Then I asked her to explain. She that by looking at my schedule she saw that I had passion that while other people took buffer classes I refused to even consider them. She said that that would take me far and that it was what would get me out of bed in the morning. I stared at my schedule I still need one more class. So I asked her about writing courses. I decided to take Writer’s Workshop/Journalism a year long class meaning I’d have to drop Japanese 3. I thanked her for her time and went to class.
Later that day I asked Peter if I was important to him because I kept getting ignored by various other people. I seriously have a huge issue with being ignored and being lonely. So he said yes of course very much so. I was glad to hear that but I had to wonder if it was just Peter being Peter and being nice. So then on the bus ride home Justin grabbed me and made me sit with him. I knew that he gets tired of sitting with the Fox and that I think he enjoys me tame, elder sister, demeanor at times. We talked and acted like brother and sister such as bickering over music and who was stronger and such. Soon though the tone grew more serious as I asked about Angel. He said he hadn’t spoken to him in weeks. I nodded and scolded myself for not just forgetting about him. So he looked at me and asked if I’d gotten over him. I told him that no I hadn’t because if I had I wouldn’t ask about him and I wouldn’t want to cry when I thought about him. He looked at me and then hugged me fiercely he said he was sorry. Then he put his head in my lap trying to go to sleep. A few minutes later he looked up at me and said Thank You. At first I was confused and didn’t know what was going on. So I asked him what he meant. He sat up and said that I’d always been there for him and that I always listened and gave advice when he asked. Then he got quiet and said ‘well just thank you I never thanked you before.’ With that he leaned over and kissed my cheek. I smiled and I think I blushed and told him that was the first kiss on the cheek I’d gotten in like two years. He looked at me astonished.
By then it was time for me to go.
Well it seems whenever I feel doubt something happens that erases it…except with Angel…When I thought Josh and I were drifting apart something happened that cemented our friendship together and resulting on him later thank me for introducing him to his future wife…when Q and I almost had fall out some how it solved itself.…perhaps…perhaps Doud and I weren’t meant to be…perhaps if we were this doubt wouldn’t plague me…something would happen and allay my fears and worries…but nothing has…and I think nothing will…but I have no regrets…none at all…I have my happy memories and I think now it’s time to make new ones with some one else. I think maybe now I’m ready to let go. Beside with things like the balloon story happening on day to day basis I’m kinda busy :)
Like mostly it's the spastic psychic glitches where I just know stuff. But lately it’s been more. This week mostly . Like I made the resolve to let go of my Angel that there’s no use trying to breath life into a relationship gone this awry. Then the Russian appears and serves as somewhat of a distraction. Then yesterday I decided to sit down and write (something I haven’t done in ages) but nothing would come to me(I have to be emotionally stirred to write) and I kind of got frustrated on with myself. I haven’t written in months and I seriously began to wonder if because I had forsaken my talent in just being a conformist and saying “sure mom and dad I won’t be a writer.”
So today I found out that one of my classes got dropped because not enough people signed up and had to go to guidance. So while trying to figure out what to do My Counselor Mrs. Nelson asked me what I wanted to do with myself and I know I stiffened up quite a bit. I told her I didn’t know once I did but not anymore. With that I got angry and sad and hurt and tears started to fall from my eyes. She asked me to explain. I told her that my parents weren’t very supportive and that I wanted to be a write once but I’d given up on that. She then told me that I should follow my heart because obviously writing meant a lot to me and that I wouldn’t cry unless it did. So with that she told me how she had wanted to be a doctor once and someone had told her no and she listened. And that it had worked out okay but she sometimes wonders what it would be like if she had become a doctor. I stared at my schedule for a while and laughed bitterly as I told her that my parents didn’t approve of most of the classes I was taking. She nodded I guess not really knowing how to respond to that and then said that I had passion.
I looked at her kinda scared or at least that’s how I felt. I don’t get compliments very often and when I do they bother me or more on target scare me. I don’t think there’s anything special about me. Then I asked her to explain. She that by looking at my schedule she saw that I had passion that while other people took buffer classes I refused to even consider them. She said that that would take me far and that it was what would get me out of bed in the morning. I stared at my schedule I still need one more class. So I asked her about writing courses. I decided to take Writer’s Workshop/Journalism a year long class meaning I’d have to drop Japanese 3. I thanked her for her time and went to class.
Later that day I asked Peter if I was important to him because I kept getting ignored by various other people. I seriously have a huge issue with being ignored and being lonely. So he said yes of course very much so. I was glad to hear that but I had to wonder if it was just Peter being Peter and being nice. So then on the bus ride home Justin grabbed me and made me sit with him. I knew that he gets tired of sitting with the Fox and that I think he enjoys me tame, elder sister, demeanor at times. We talked and acted like brother and sister such as bickering over music and who was stronger and such. Soon though the tone grew more serious as I asked about Angel. He said he hadn’t spoken to him in weeks. I nodded and scolded myself for not just forgetting about him. So he looked at me and asked if I’d gotten over him. I told him that no I hadn’t because if I had I wouldn’t ask about him and I wouldn’t want to cry when I thought about him. He looked at me and then hugged me fiercely he said he was sorry. Then he put his head in my lap trying to go to sleep. A few minutes later he looked up at me and said Thank You. At first I was confused and didn’t know what was going on. So I asked him what he meant. He sat up and said that I’d always been there for him and that I always listened and gave advice when he asked. Then he got quiet and said ‘well just thank you I never thanked you before.’ With that he leaned over and kissed my cheek. I smiled and I think I blushed and told him that was the first kiss on the cheek I’d gotten in like two years. He looked at me astonished.
By then it was time for me to go.
Well it seems whenever I feel doubt something happens that erases it…except with Angel…When I thought Josh and I were drifting apart something happened that cemented our friendship together and resulting on him later thank me for introducing him to his future wife…when Q and I almost had fall out some how it solved itself.…perhaps…perhaps Doud and I weren’t meant to be…perhaps if we were this doubt wouldn’t plague me…something would happen and allay my fears and worries…but nothing has…and I think nothing will…but I have no regrets…none at all…I have my happy memories and I think now it’s time to make new ones with some one else. I think maybe now I’m ready to let go. Beside with things like the balloon story happening on day to day basis I’m kinda busy :)
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